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EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND INSTRUCTIONS FOR SHOOTING YOURSELF perhaps you want to die. but do you want to live ? SELF DESTRUCTION AS MEANS TO FEEL OK "this THING we have to do is how we stop being somthing wrong and become some differnt thing thats still wrong H.R.T spells HURT. if your like us and you want to be better then you have to H{U}RT" ~may-be K. spring 285 when i woke up that morning i walked in to her room to find that mary belle kurtz set her house on fire.  she had sat next to her shelf where she kept her research and her writing notebooks and her diaries and lit them on fire. ... mary-belle called me 3 times a day leaving weird messages untill i came over to her house. she'd been trying to shoot herself but she couldnt make herself do it. she wanted me to come sit with her and help her shoot herself... shoot myself at the same time. i was supposed to shoot myself on the fist and like always i had procrastinated until today, the 5th, so i was keen to get in on this. marybelle was the one who taught me how to shoot myself in the first place back a year ago when we both switched. since then tho she'd lost her nerve. so it was the 5th and we we're sitting on her bed with our works out, and a bottle of evercealr just for fun. marybelle kept stalling and re-hitting the evrclear, so i had to keep matching her. and she kept sitting there with her lil syringe of estradiol n castor oil about an inch from her thigh... just hovering ... "look at this, lily... look i'm almost there but i cant make it one more inch... actually that inch isnt the problem.. its the inch and a half extra that comes after it... look at this shit !! i cant fucking do it !!! i CAN fucking do it but I cant ANYMORE... this is stupid this is stupid this is stupid...." more drinking. she was being contagious... i couldn't shoot myself with her ranting and flailing her arms above her head and pacing arround the bed... she was freaking me out.. "hey !" she hollered "lemme do you !! lets switch !!" "uh... no..." i didnt feel like it... she was fucking me up enuff.. "we can do that on the 15th.." "grummble..." "did i tell you waht happened to me a month ago ? i tried to make myself do it as fast as possible.. like fix, poke, done... no pause or hesitating...i figured it would be good to get used to fixing on the run y'know... ...well, i did it... and then right after i slapped the bandaid on i threw up and fainted... then i went stumbling in to pollys room and i started freaking out that i'd accidently shot in to a vein and ODed on mones." "you hadn't. had you ?" "no... i just thought i had cuz i bled alot... polly was like 'if you actually mainlined your mones your thigh would bruise up to all hell. you just fainted. don't fucking rush yourself.. give yourself a minute before you shoot to steady your thoughts...' so now i do that. i sit for a minute and just relax before i shoot. cuz why shouldn't i?" may-be just looked sour." but every fucking 15 days... i cant do it and i know i used to be able to do it but now i cant..." "i know plenty of people who get that.lots of kids just loose their nerve sometimes.. i have freinds whove been on mones for years or decades who get shot by their doctore cuz they cant shoot themselves..." "but i used to cut myself and others with knives and stuff... " "your still not telling me anything i havent heard before... and look at me,, you got me all freaked out now and its been half an hour and i cant shoot myself either now..." i was considering taking a fucking lunch break but i felt i had to save face here somehows. "I DONT WANNA DO THIS !! I ALREADY GOTTA WATCH WHAT I SAY AND WATCH HOW I ACT AND WATCH HOW I LOOK AND I GOTTA BE MORE GUARDED THAN I NATURLY AM AND I GOTTA TAKE A BUNCH OF MEDICINE THAT I GOTTA BOTHER STUPID DOCTORS TO LET ME HAVE AND THEN PAY MY MONEY FOR AND THEN MAKE MYSELF TAKE AND THEN CHOKE DOWN THE SIDE EFFECTS. THATS A WHOLE LOTTA FREAKY BULLSHIT I GOTTA RUN ARROUND DOIN T LOOK NORMAL.." she stopped yelling and just kinna slummped in a chair. "hey... gerl?" may-be starred at the floor.. she still had her syringe in her hand but now it was limp pointed at nuthing..." you need this... this is what fixes us... this is slowly making your body better and that makes your life easier and that makes you better... you know yer happier and comfier than you were a few years ago.... you where born fucked up. its not fair or unfair.. its just the bullshit you got delt and this is something that makes it a lil better..." "know why i cant do it anymore ?? !? "her head snapped up and she looked like she had rage in her "cuz of all the fuckin people walkin in here... the stupid kids i live with and theri fuckin freinds... my girlfreind... they always show up when im trying to take care of my shit.. i accept that i cant ever be naked in my own fucking house but i cant let em see this either... i cant let them see this cuz it makes me broken to them... if they see me having to fix myself every two weeks its like i'm showing them how i'm broken and wrong and its just this that makes me look a lil bit normal.. and it hurts to be like that but if i cant show it to people its because its real. and if its real it must on some level be true." i had no answer. may-be wandered off in to the kitchen and didnt come back.i gave up on waitng for her and shot myself in the thigh, cleaned my stuff up, drank another shot of everclear with juice, wondered where the fuck she was... she wasn't in the kitchen, she'd bailed out the back door, she was just visible speed walking off in to the trees.i followed her from 500 feet behind at the same speed she was walking. i followed her through a brush lot, over the train tracks, and then disapeared through the bushes along the river. when i got through the bushes she was 100 feet out in the river. in her clothes, up to her armpits. by the time id taken my boots off she was wading back. we just stood there for tenminutes, me up to my ankles and her up to her knees.. i sat on a rock and wished i'd brought cigarettes out here. "i wish i'd brought cigarettes out here" i said. ... ... "come on.. lets sit on the pier. wanna sit on the pier ? lets sit on the pier." eventually i coaxed her out of the river and on to the pier. i tried to hug her but she shrunk away "please dont touch me.. i need you to stay back.." she requested. we sat for about 30 minutes staring at the crappy city over the river. lots of empty falling down office buildings and broken factories and coal barges groaning by. "i hate the people... the normal people.. i hate my freinds and the people i'm supposed to like... i hate my own girlfriend... knowing them fucks with who i am and what i mean.. i wish i was anyway but like this cuz i hate that i CANT RELATE TO NORMAL PEOPLE !!!" I Just sat there. "you know whats worse ?? they are nice sensitive edjumicated peoples. i hate that most. they should be real good freinds of me but i cant let it be like that cuz of whats wrong with me. some of them know.. i dont know who knows or who knows what but soem of them gotta know... and i cant even drop it then cuz they'd be like its ok... i understand !! i read gender werkbook and stone butch!! i understand !! CUZ THEY DONT ! they couldnt..... you cant know what its like to have to think about what you are and what you mean so fucking much and have lil noraml boring reasonable nuthings come and rip holes in how you think you are. and if its so say to hurt how you think you are then theres something wrong with how you think you are, right ? and i have to do all theese lil things to trick myself in to forgetting whats wrong with me like being extra modest and taking my medicine. i wish the normals would have to take medicine to be normal. they see the queer bullshit or the political bullshit or some stupid thing they think is a fucking comunitee or a family and think its cute. its not a comunitee!!! i dont wanna be in a communitee just cuz everyone is broken like me. thats why i dont hang with queers and i dont hang with punks. you gotta do better than that to be my friend. the hurt dont make it special so much as it makes me hurt. i wish you could show normals the hurt. know what H.R.T is? H.R.T. spells HURT. if you're like us and you want to be better then you have to HURT." right after she said that all the panic rage drained outta her and she changed gears imediatly to melencholly. and discreetly smirking at her own joke. "and look what i did... i fucked up my only good shoes... I'm tryin not to be a dirty fucked up kid anymore and the trans ruined my nice shoes..." "actually its that your broken and crazy that you ruined yer shoes" i suggested."you just burned the trans for fuel" "burned the trans for fuel.." she mused. we squished back to to her house and she sat down in a kitchen chair and she shot herself easily having exhausted her inhibitory reflexes. at somepoint her girlfriend came home and they fought about something or other.i think they were fighting about how much they fought... i crashed on the couch . When I woke up the next morning i walked in to her room to find that mary belle kurtz had set her house on fire. she had sat next to her shelf where she kept her research and her writing notebooks and her diaries and lit them on fire. i dumped my coffee on them. she was simultaniously emotionless and pissed. stared at/through me. "you arent burning your fucking note books..what the fuck are you doing ?" she just starred at me. "fuck it..." she said after a minute "i cant be a normal person... i just act all wrong and get upset and i'm hard to realate to cuz im broken and they are fine so i'll just burn this whole fucking place down and then who gives a shit..." she was knotting up the ripped up bedsheets arround her wrists while lieing sideways on the bed... i was sleepy. and honestly i was getting impatient. my best friend had been spiralling downward for weeks and just wallowed in the same bullshit endlessly. and its not like she was wrong. everything she felt i felt just as often as she. i'm not on top of theese feelings. i'm as broken and crazy as her. the only difference is that i'm older than her by nine years. nearly a decade extra to wearmyself out on worrying and get bored of feeling terrible. so i'm in the same pit as her so i cant talk her out of. i just dont care anymore. so i lit her curtains on fire. the lace curtains burned right up to the rod. they where made of some man made fabric and they dripped burning snots of liquid fire on to the floor and table. the made lil "fwooop !!" noises as the fire snots rained down... brown smoke seeped up. may-be lay all tangled up on the bed watching the fire. i sat next to her. we sat next to eachother about half an inch abart just watching the fucking curtain burn. snots fell on the table and set a newpaper and a note pad on fire. the chair under the window lit up and fire ate the foam out of the seat. then the wood caught. there was a puddle of burning plastic on the floor and the lampshade was going up and so was a poster.... we just sat and watched.. this felt sensible to me.. may-be looked calm. she radiated this vibe like she was in the eye f the storm. like the storm was still there but nuthing was hurting her now. we watched the fire. i turned to her "my back pack is in the kitchen... and i'm taking your notebooks. is there anything else you want to get?" maybe looked at me with calm thoughts turning in her head "lemme pack some stuff" "you ever been in a building burning before ?" "once..." "well that cloud of black sooty smoke up on the ceiling.. that is gonna drop on us in a second.. its just gonna hover for a bit and then crash down on us and then its gonna get dark... thats gonna fuck us up before the flames get anywhere near us." may-be said "............... ok ....." and then spent way to much time picking up things arround the room and throwing them in an absurdly large suitcase. then the smoke overwhelmed us and we ran downstairs to the kitchen were she dawdled again for a minute throwing food out of the refridgerator and in to her fucking suitcase.. finally i dragged her out on the lawn. we looked back at the house.. smoke was vomitting out of the bedroom window but the flames where still small. may-be wanted to leave right away before anybuddy got home. a half block away she bummed my phone and called the fire department on her house... then we kept walking toward morteville and my house "i dont want to burn my house anymore... i hurt stuff enuff... i'm satisfied... i wanna still be able to come back from this if i decide i want to..." she reasoned. "technically i burned yer house down.." "no... i did... you just meddled ..." she shifted her heavy suitcase from one hand to the other... it was a stupid thing to carry 5 miles.."know why i have this suitcase ??" "tell me..." "cuz i'm not a dirty street kid anymore... i dont wear a backpack... i travel with a suitcase and buy train tikets instead of catching on the fly and i live in a house and have a job and a significant other. I done made it, didn't I?" ..... yes, this is a true story... but i changed some stuff: like mary-belles swam way less than 100 feet and her house only had one floor and it wasnt a curtain, it was a plastic sheet used as a curtain. FIRE PART 2WO I DONT KNOW HOW YOU FOUND IT, BUT YOU ARE IN THE TsPx ARCHIVES !!! YEP. A Library Gallery of ancient Trans Rants from back when i was young and angry. Thank to the Bio-s for trammpling my will and spirit !! With my soul crushed I can now function as a blank eyed drone in society and not cause any trouble!! yay !! I'm so emotionless with no soul and I'll never feel again !!! THIS WAS WRITTEN years ago when i was young and sensitive (now i'm old and jaded). Fuck off with the hurt feelings hate mail. Stop disagreeing with me or i'll ride my bike to your town and hit you. Alot. |
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Get off estrogen and dose on Psychmeds I think this link goes to the index but i havent tried it. |