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MOSTER IDENTITY VERMIN IDENTITY dead meat identity this is only here as an example of how i used to really suck at writing back when i was whiny note to self: THIS IS WAY EMBARASSING !!! V E R M I N I AM A PARASITIC MONSTER LIVING IN A HUMAN HOST. HIDING AMONGST THE GOOD AND NORMAL PEOPLE ATTEMPTING TO ELUDE DETECTION AND EAT AT THEIR TABLE WHILE BENEATH MY FLESH I AM A TEAMING MASS OF INSECTS, ASSEMBED IN TO A HUMAN SHAPE EMULATING BEHAVIOURS I DONT EVEN SLIGHTLY UNDERSTAND. when im on the subway or when im at the bank or the store or when im riding my bike down the street .. no one can tell. people come right up to me and start talking to me and trying to meet me and maybe trying to pick me up and if i'm feeling nice and well rested and i'm not kinda dirty and dishevled today... i forget to even keep my guard up, waiting for them to notice something wrong. they go right on talking to me like i'm like them. i am a rodent IF YOU ARE NOT LIKE ME,then THE LESS AMOUNT OF TIME YOU HAVE KNOWN ME, THE MORE GUaRDED I AM ARROUND YOU. and those i have know longer i mostly avoid. long !!!! boring !!!!! no pictures !!!!!!!____________________________________ ___________________________________ </small> above those lines.... thats all that didnt get deleted ... i wrote this post like 3 times now.... first time i deleted it and started over cuz i was just babbling and ranting and babbling... the second time i'd started off more focused but after like 6000 charectors i was talking about weird child hood memories and then IE5.2 crashed and died and i was like... fuck... that was an hour of typing... . heart felt typing... good riddence.. damn... so anyways... this is were i was going. part a. the devious tranny vermin I ID as vermin... i am totally guilty of changing my behavour arround dramaticly to deal with my different kinds of social anxiety... that i pass when im arround new people has me totally changing who i am. i'm also not advers at all to pretending im -stupid -homeless -marginalised -an alli to PC liberal college types -sexually interested ...- in order to get some gain, ranging from a completely distinct new ID from my old info (not a name change... new id) from that to fvaours from councillor activists, to .. y'know.. just people to flirt with me and make me feel attractive/normal before i run away.... but thats not wut im talking about (fun fact: me starting transition pivoted on me getting on social assistance welfare !!! same damn month!!!) i am a loud kind of boistrous individual who is silly and snarky and always telling all theese dum stories. i am certainly turning in to a much more reserved and withholding individual... it is not in my nature to not be very open about what im up to and what im thinkin. when i'm arround any non trans peeps, esp ones who dont know... i really can clam up .. or if i dont clam up i get very not serious to steer away from any leading questions and then i freak that i'm drawing to much attention being to silly... trans ghetto !!!! i'm only really relaxed and open and MYSELF arround my trans freinds, and my very very very few remaining old freinds who i'm going to be getting rid of soon for the sake of simplicity. it wont be hard to do at all... one of the biggest apeals of transexuality for me was alwasy the secret agent factor {our opertaives have infultrated all levels of society !!!!} but im qute aware that im bartering a large segment of myself to play normal with the real people. i anticipate fuck-ups. which i say are best solved by imediately severing all relationships and fleeing... which is what i do allready in my regualr semi out sopcial life but i'm gonna up it to a continental scale. (this town of 3000000 got pretty fucking small after 6 years) the opertunity to repeatedly disapear and reinvet myeslf really appeals.. i'm optomisic im gonna be sweet and charming and not a doofus after just a few tries. in 2 or 3 years it will all make total sense and i'll feel daft for ever having sniveled about it. there was some other tranny devious rodent stuff i mentioned about how i transtioned mostly by lieing and risking my life... (on the second day of transition i had only 2/3rds my regualr amount of blood !!!) blah blah blah blah blah...... transexuality *for me * is largely about rewriting your motivations over and over agin for every old freind and doctor you have to justify yourself to// and/or rewriing your life over and over again when you get the opertunity to meet nice people who dont have to know you have anything to justify. that and twitchy erratic behaviour in general, pretending i'm a secret agent makes it cool tho... [a secret demon agent !!! f rom the hell dimension} part 2 my trans identity has alwasy been a facet of my outsider identity when i was like 4 i realised i wasnt like other boys. cuz i cried all the time and had a toy pink chiken that was my best freind and it told me to do stuff.. by the time i was 7 i didnt want to play with boys of join the motherfucking scouts cuz boys weirded me. girls didnt like me either tho so i just wanted to stay in my room and play lego with my pink chiken. my mother mostly encouraged this cuz she kind of wanted to keep the apron string short.[overbering ] my dad didnt care cuz he wasn't interested in stuff like family [absent] we also did other fun stuff like learn that sex is a revolting act performed by people with no self control who are weak. (my dad fucked my mom 12 times in 27 years of marrige.) that and anger should be supressed and associated with grave guilt. civilised people also replace anger with passive agressive frustration with one another.smiling hostility. i usually had like 1 or 2 freinds at a time. girls untill i was 6 or 8 or so.. after that only boys would be my freinds and we'd set stuff on fire together or break windows of abbandoned buildings. when i was 13 i started wearing the one dress my sister owned (she to this day is 24-7 sweat suit) and i'd sneak out of the house at 3am and ride my bike everywhere looking for secret stuff in my black with pink flowers dress.. if i couldnt find the big secret iwas looking for.. id just mingle cuz i wanted to interact with people... or i'd go in hotels and try to break in to empty rooms or service elevators just to say i did. when i was 16 i found some sort of secret people but really they were just goths... i got pissed at them for being misleadingly mundane by the time i was 18.. but by then goths were tolerating my weird butch femme thing that was starting to come out publicly. also i was expelled from my second highschool for failing to show up for classes.. and not cuz i was doign something usefull like being wasted or having sex.. but i was climbing up buildings just for a look arround and kleptomaniacing the stupid things i could think of like the box that splits the cable signal for an entire appartmet building.. guidnec councilors found me endeering cuz i was terribly bright but a complete social retard. i had to stop my favourte hobby at that time of climbing in to peoples back yards late at night , just to see what peoples yards were like, beacuse i was starting to get really funny looking ad really filthy dirty (knee jerk to getting smothered by a crying OCD lady... blah blah.. it goes on.... filthy. but to weepy to punk.!!! punks liked me... they just assumed i was one of them cuz i pretty much stummbled in to the uniform and i was gross as fuck and real weird... no social skills... not good with people,.. couldnt deal... my social skills id managed to amass by 20 were like</small> -class clown -obnoxious asshole -irony? -crying so yeh.. mix that line up with my increased openness about throwing girls clothes in the mix and only goths, punks, and a steady stream of the mentally ill would be my freinds, (like the guy who thought peter gabriel sent his secret messages) there was this thing were i was attracted to punk cuz it really suited me but i held back cuz -i wasnt tough enuff... i was crazy and cried alot -the girls clothes thing was staarting to get really heavy and i was insiting that everyone call me emily even tho i had no claim to be a female, nor was i really cross living or anything... i was just the begging of a gender mess and i had no eyebrows. - a really big punk dude beat the fucking shit out of me for reasons outside the two former and for a year i had no front teeth.and that freaked me out a bit. there really wasnt anywer else for me to go tho.. i had a vauge notion i could go to NYC and maybe hook up with theese club kid people (i would have hated it after a year... i dont have the right attitude problem) but i had no idea how to pull that off.. really i was a gross lil creepy fuck who was so unsocialised and lost in its own head space.. actualy i was doing lots of lsd then... and i lived with this chick i semi dated breifly but then we settled in to a sort of werid psychotic psychodelic relationship the peaked with us living in a 4 room appartment of wall to wall garbage knee deep with 11 cats and their excrement and we thought we were tommorows darlings of the art world or something and there wer eroaches and then we got restraining orders on eachother. i was in and out of being sort of male cuz i wanted to maybe be normal/ being this androgenous imp thing with green hair and green bellbottoms then in december 97 i moved to montreal... andro phased in to whatthefuckareyousupposedtobe, i did an entire semester of art school in bunch of retro lil girls party dresses and hung out in montreals queer-electro-punk-scene (not even remotely as awsome as that sounds....) at age 25 my gender id was "pretty imp" no shit. then i got real depressed and all kinds of things didnt werk out and i got really really hard up for money for like 2000-2002 like after rent i was living on $40 in a good month. (except for the telemarketing... shiver) etc etc etc etc etc .......oh i got trans/faggot bashed and fags made fun of me for being the "trash queen" and i drank to black out at least once a week and when i did that id be so fucked up id try to slash my best freind with broken glass,,, and then i had drug overdose.... and then arround late 2002 i was like, fuck it... i don't care what happens to me... i'm gonna fucking transition... i'll only be able to be an internet porn girl for the rest of my life and i will be hassled forever werever i go but i just dont fucking care wether i live or die anymore..... and now im almsot jane average..... how bout that. making a point turns self indulgent whining in to annectdotal evidence !!!! my point is that i never wrapped my head arround a female identity until i was several months in to transition... like for the begining of 2003 i was still IDing pretty much as a pretty imp. looking back now from were i am my trans girl narative is almsot typical if you wipe off all the weird crap ! it was blatantly there all the time. i just had so much other messed up outsider thing going on that it was burried... like i didn't see it... i had this terrible gender sexuality struggle but i couldn't find any way to justify or validate shit. i couldn't dredge up a usefull definition besides that i was certainly sick and crazy. so i embraced that and decided to rock the sick and crazy pride... rock it in your face. you know.. maybe if i'd been able to make freinds easier , or had a less utterly neurotic troubled family, or i'd found communitee or belonging.. maybe i'd have transitioned at 22-23 instead of 2fuckin7 ! maybe i'd have been spared alot of really bottomed out despair... hell whatever........ who knows... i turned out just fine... its not really a regret or anything.. just something i wonder about... i like me now. as long as i can remeber tho my trans was a facet of my outsiderness., and i'm the type that if i'm gonna be outside im going to refuse to feel excluded and im gonna stomp arround and loudly declare t"oh yeh !!! im outside !!! well fuck you in there !!! inside is fucking crap !!! your all so dumb !!!" (i did that once literally in grade 7... i was talking to the school.. i had a bad crazy-stupid-freak-schitzo rep.) and thats what i did with the trans.. sigh... so there... my trans was a facett of my outsider ID. eventually it beacme so big i let my trans be its own thing and now its threatening to solve my much bigger issue ive always had about belonging and accepatnce.. so thats my stupid crappy point. fuck.... i talk to much !!! im never doing a rant post again. !!!! BEWARE OF TR*NNYS WITH BLOGS !!! EMO PLUS CAFFINE PLUS UNEMPLOYED = AWFULL SELF PITY IS A VIRUS FROM OUTTER SPACE. I DONT KNOW HOW YOU FOUND IT, BUT YOU ARE IN THE TsPx ARCHIVES !!! YEP. A Library Gallery of ancient Trans Rants from back when i was young and angry. Thank to the Bio-s for trammpling my will and spirit !! With my soul crushed I can now function as a blank eyed drone in society and not cause any trouble!! yay !! I'm so emotionless with no soul and I'll never feel again !!! THIS WAS WRITTEN years ago when i was young and sensitive (now i'm old and jaded). Fuck off with the hurt feelings hate mail. Stop disagreeing with me or i'll ride my bike to your town and hit you. Alot. |
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Get off estrogen and dose on Psychmeds I think this link goes to the index but i havent tried it. |
